is it mind or emotion

over views and rated things that aren't cool

2008-09-22T06:55:00.000-07:00

I think it's all because of that dam over easy dog poo poo that things are so bad now a days...

How the hell am i supposed to get through this shit?

so the spear burns right through my chest.

2008-09-15T07:16:00.000-07:00

The spears has struck me, sliced and burnt its firey hot blade through the flesh and bone of my chest. Burning and damaging one forever.

How dos't one stand again and again? It used to be out of stubbornness That one would get up and fight, trudge along with these spears sticking through ones burnt and partly destroyed soul and body.

The pain is almost unbearable yet easily concealed because of the past experience. The past holds not only it's own spears but death and mass destruction.

So the current pains are easily extinguished by the blood and spoils of the last

war which consumed not only one's mind, body and soul. But ones sanity aswell.

How can one forever stand again and again?

Is this not madness? Is this not stupidity?

Sometimes it is thought that this is strength, but is strength not being able to push aside these

wounds and heal? For the strength one is currently is accused of is not that. One's second face is that which creates such illusion to the outsider.

The distinguished and yet so randomly placed heart that was left to rot in a concrete block, pushed itself out for one last breath of love. And instead it was pierced by yet another spear.

For this reason, why enter in to any sort of bond?

For it is that same bond that might kill your mind, soul and body.

Ultimately cause a cease in existence.

Blink 182?

2008-09-10T02:57:00.001-07:00

Blink 182 have to be the best band ever! I have yet to come across a band that can excite me with their music even in their emotional tracks like "stay together for the kids" and " I miss you ".

BLINK 182 ROCKS!!!

so fuck you!

2008-09-08T05:39:00.000-07:00

How can one not see but feel as though it were there?

The grass greener than ever, the sky clear and blue as though

painted by the worlds happiest person on a warm spring afternoon in a

field populated by various types of

flowers and a river clearer than air.

Yet, we look not at the beauty but at the damaged. For this artist,

tall and slender, long flowing red hair and large brown eyes, sits

by her canvas. Staring blankly at the empty apparatus. Her mind,

although on the outside is filled with warmth, beauty and love.

Is crowded and consumed in sadness, hate and pain.

Tis on the note of a birds chorus hat she picks up her brush and paint,

and begins to alter her world around her.

As she paints the sky, she depicts strong black clouds. The grass of

her painting is dead and yellow, the soil dry and bug ridden…

the flowers are now longer large and full of lively colour but

dead and

surrounded by weeds. The tree is her picture, is not like the

one under

which she sits. Strong, brown and green as the grass, bearing

fruit that looks tastier than ice cream on a hot summer afternoon,

it is instead a

horrible shade of gray, bare and fruitless.

Her river is dry as the desert, instead of green shrubs

there a bare, black roots dead and bent over the

empty gully that sweeps through the little valley…

And under the tree, she paints a girl. Red hair, brown eyes

and a blue dress, but she does not alter the girls appearance in

the way she has altered everything else. Instead she

creates a glow of light…

Our artist then takes this picture filled with all pain, hurt

and sadness to her father.

When asked about the girls under the tree that seems to have a

glowing aura.

The reply was simple.

“ Without the hope of one, all would be covered in darkness.

But with it, there is still some light. ”

light is something our artist will never see. For she was the last of it.

smell not eh earth but her love, for it is more prominent than any soil under our feet

2008-09-07T23:23:00.000-07:00

Tis on a happier note that I write that this time. Life being what it will

and it’s meaning being the mystery that it is had only urged more of

me to want to rebel and fight back. For it is because one can not take

life for what it is, that one had become so stubborn as to not let it get

the best of one, all the time.

Rather than that. I shall not give up on the one to whom I refer to

as “Angel”.

Not for the reason of being afraid of losing against life by making

plans, but for the reason that I would rather risk it all to be with

the one to whom my heart belongs. Than to let life beat me completely.

I say this because without her, life is not my challenge, it is my

empty goal. When I am away from her, I miss her to the deepest

extent, the length of which, shatters a heart into pieces small enough to fit

through the eye of needle.

It is not hope that encourages me to fight for her, but love

that promises me she is there.

An assortment of flowers? A dozen roses? No a single rose.

No, not even a single rose has enough red in it’s blood red colour

to show the perfect love I have for her. Neither rose nor orchid

are perfect enough to display or prove the ever lasting commitment

I would so gladly give to her.

Nothing will stand in my and nothing will make me run from it.

She is all that keeps me going and all that shows promise that

maybe god has not left this horrible, evil filled place we call our world.

Neither harps nor violin can describe how beautiful her voice is..

Neither water nor light can describe her shining eyes..

Neither touch nor sight can describe her gorgeous lips..

Neither day or night can show the true extent of her love..

On that note. I end with a simple pair of three.

To Amanda

I truly love

Only thee.

trick of life is keeping you in it

2008-09-02T23:17:00.000-07:00

So it was all just another game courtesy of this fucked up thing called life.

I was days away from "catching that plane that never has a return flight" when she stopped me.

I thought this was real, only to find out after letting my walls down proper for the first time in 3 years that it was again "life" just taking it's toll.

Life is what happens when your making other plans - John Lennon.

I think the only reason life granted him a first class ticket out of it is because he figured out it's secret which is exactly what this statement is. Dont try to get out of life. Either just go do it, or rather try stay in it...

I'm not going to try get out anymore. I'm just going to do it. anyways, I'll let you know a day or two before my "plane takes off"...

must be love, love love

2008-09-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

AMANDA!!!!!

Gosh, it’s like it was only yesterday you came up on my screen in blogTV as my co-host for the show…

And now? We’re talking about marriage and where we’re going to honeymoon.

How do I know this is the right thing, some people say it’s a feeling you get when your around them... so is it possible to

experience this feeling

when your not exactly around them?

I am in-love with Amanda, don’t for one second even think I’m not. But how do we know this is going to work if we’ve never met? If we’ve

not even spent a week together let alone the rest of our lives…

For those readers that don’t know, Amanda lives in Florida. Yes Florida in the states… I know what your thinking, but your in SA how the hell can

one be so silly to fall in-love with someone on the other side of the world when one hasn’t got the means to even go visit!!??

Well… I don’t really know…

It just kind of happened one day when I was sitting on blogTV and she looked straight into the camera, straight into my eyes…

as if she could sense that at that very moment I was staring at her… it felt like everything stopped, like our eyes locked and all I could see was her,

even if in reality she only glanced for a split second…

I know, I know… your think to yourself, wow, this guy really is a pathetitic idiot!

But, I love Amanda…

And even if there is no possible way we’re going to be together… I have to try…

If life were perfect, we would never feel pain. Not feeling pain, that would be amazing, to be happy 24/7. But unfortunately in life, or shall we say in

the great “pursuit of happyness” how does one ever really know if they don’t try?

The whole thing has been getting me really down but I’d rather not tell her because I know it would

make her sad that I can’t see anything ever happeneing even though I’m trying every hook and loop I can find…

If anyone has any advice… please… you know where to comment…

One fine day

2008-08-18T00:15:00.001-07:00

Well this was definitely a holiday I needed, relaxed and ready for action I’m on my way home. Where from you ask?

Well from Durban of course!

This truly was quite the holiday, from loosing all my money at a night club, to waking up o the other side of Durban compared to where I was staying, to a few too many drinks to some crazy work and even being a hair model for a competition at Rolf Offermans hair studio…

I’m not keen on going back home though because of the fact that Durban is my real home and also because I think I’ve found the woman I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. Sure I know what your thinking but in any case, la vita e bella right?

The things I’ll miss most of all about Durban will definatley be my mates and Nicole. The same thing that I have missed ever since I had to leave the heavenly place. Sure jozi is nice and all and I have a fantastic job with a brilliant team of individuals who are all very top gear when it comes to their work. But that will never be what I live to love. Everyone in jozi is money drivin and stereo typical, it’s like if you ever want friends you have to change yourself to fit in and then there’s the whole issue of picking what it is you want to fit in as. Jock, emo, skater, hippy, gay, straight, white, black Indian and coloured are but a few of the examples I can think off straight off the top of my head.

No, Durban is way more relaxed, people there are just people. Why just today I witnessed to white ladies in spur having quite a time with an Indian family whom they had never met before in their lives, you’de never see anybody that friendly inland… Durban has the friendliest people on the planet when it comes to traveling because the people there are just having a beautiful time with their lives! And no they’re not all on weed or drugs! They have everyday jobs like everybody else, they have families and friends and sure they have their groups aswell but it’s very very rare that you’d run into any trouble because you’re a punk rocker and not a hippy or visa versa..

Thunder road rock dinner on florida road is a great example of different people all coming together for a great time of live music and laughter whilst enjoying a few drinks and finger foods. All is fun whether your durbanite or jozi people, capetonian or from the UK.

One place I will never forget is Spiga D’oro. The most amazing Italian food in the whole world! From pizza to pasta to salad to lasange! It’s all mouth wateringly fabulous!

Ai, back to jozi it is, but I’ll be on my way back to Durban as soon as the opportunity comes. Hopefully next time will be for good!

On a closing note, would like to say thanks to mike the veg from simon sayz and my dear girlfriend Nicole for the amazing week ever. Hope to you soon, in the mean time though, “La vita e bella”

Mama Africa Destination of great culture..

2008-05-26T05:38:00.000-07:00

This is a shirt i designed for a competition on Springleap.com...

It's inspired by the mother city, capetown, underground people's... so it's not really something i expect to see Puma and Levi's fans wearing... have a pair of jeans i designed for it aswell so hey who knows what could happen if you vote number 5 for me SAZ1 on http://www.springleap.com/designs/mama-africa

saz1 vote 5 saz1 vote 5 saz1 vote 5 saz1 vote 5

TWLOHA - To Write Love On Her Arms

2008-05-26T05:26:00.000-07:00

Hey it's me again your friendly neighborhood waitor...

from the 25th to the 31st it's Teen Depression Awareness week and a reason to write love on your arm!

this week is dedicated to promoting awareness of teenage depression as a cause of suicide... To show kids that they aren't alone, that there is someone who cares...

I've had my heavy experiences, I'm sure i know what they feel like. I had Friends that helped me, the thing is some of them don't have friends that are brave enough to help and that's what TWLOHA is all about! helping those who don't have help....

As LOVEistheMOVEMENT says,

"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. we don't get to choose the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."

Integrity? BullSHIT.

2008-05-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

you give me a place, you help me grow,

you treat me like shit, you drag me through the mud

i hardly survive, i hardly eat or sleep,

i deliver to beyond anyones expectation, except yours because it's never perfect,

but when i leave in the next two years that's not having any integrity?

i make stupid commitments for you, i destroy myself emotionally,

but you still turn around and say i don't make enough effort for you,

i will leave and i will be the best and i will throw it in your face.

all of them.

the habit...

2008-05-15T01:02:00.000-07:00

Fighting me for control, it's difficult to contain these voices to keep them at bay...

It's like a pain that burns my emotional self to black coal which still continues to seer into me.

One side is fighting for me to cut again, and the other, is calling out NO, and the more the one fights, the softer the other gets, different kinds of pain are the rsult of putting everything into keeping that "NO" voice alive...

Is it the exhaustion, is it the fact that i'm not able to be the way i want to be?

Feelings of failure, depression, anger, irritation, agitation, frustration, disorientation and pain increase everytime that "no" voice takes a hit, and the hardest thing is keeping it alive long enough to get through this.. if that's even possible...

Role models and such things

2008-04-11T03:23:00.000-07:00

Instant depression, self dislike, self doubt and frustration is all that's caused whenever this person talks. from being someone that you looked up to and wanted to be to being someone who just had a lucky break and is now abusing his power.

How does a person work that when that is what's keeping you in your job with which you are hardly surviving, taking home only enough for rent and enough for just half the month's food. Even though it's only one meal a day. Criticism, deceit, and embarrassment is all that he gives, but expects more money, power and happiness for himself from it. Such is my daily job and meeting with The Boss.

Coming from my youth into this just after making a personal break through by being able to get off pills just to keep me feeling nothing ha just proved that maybe there isn't anything for me in this world. That maybe the people who always support me are not being serious when they praise my work, but trying to just make me feel better because I'm their friend.

But being put down by someone who could never be as good as me at what i do, and losing all i have because of him is more hurtful and depressing than inspiring and pushing for the better.

Making empty promises and destroying my self-esteem seems to a favourite pastime for The Boss, and it's not only agenst me but is an attitude he has wit most of the employees he takes in.

Believing he is everything and the world is his could turn out o be the down fall of this "powerfully connected person". His attitude towards th people he shares an office with is what drives some to disgust rather than drives them to excel and he doesn't want to see how he is hurting them, so he does it o the point where everyone is too scared to confront him about the way they're being treated for far of losing their jobs. He takes this in his pride and believes this fear to be respect.

And this was the man whom i considered a role model before i worked for him....

WORDS FOR THE DAY....

2008-04-10T06:14:00.001-07:00

SHEENAMUKMUK SHEENABUKBUK

dammit man

2008-04-09T01:17:00.001-07:00

Can someone please explain to me how you are suppose to deal with people who think the world revolves around them?

Things are getting harder and harder to understand the more this certain person tries to cram the whole team up with unneeded, unnecessary stress!! it's what's killing us at the moment. not what's helping us...

Starting to think maybe it is a good idea to keep an AK in the draw next to my desk...

surveys and police...

2008-04-08T08:13:00.000-07:00

weird i know but how else do you describe the way things are going down when people don't know how else to react to the people in charge when the people in charge are kinda pissed off when you haven't done what your asked..?

is it working against yourself or for yourself when you go to work with only making the company work on the mind... no thoughts of maybe being your own boss someday or even being an investor of something big... just thinking from the moment you leave for work to the moment you leave work of how you can make the people you work for more successful.

quite the question....

Emotion or State of mind

2008-04-07T06:03:00.000-07:00

i feel like running away... so over life at the moment. i just wanna die... please can someone just kill me? seeing as no one wants to help me? depression, if this is called a state of mind, then how come it's so hard for me to change the state of my own mind into something that could help me? Is thee no way for a person to just be happy instead of this constant feeling of sadness and peril? or is it just me who goes through all of this unreal reality in which i was put here for other peoples good and not my own... helping others is a good thing, agreed, but then it's not always the other people that need the help, i need the help too.

Ever had a suicidal thought? i have them all the time. when i'm in bed, to when i'm getting dressed. from when i'm on the way to work, to the time i'm sitting in the office putting up a fake happiness to cover myself up. from the moment i leave the office to the second i put my head on the pillow of my bed to sleep. it's like a sickness or an addiction. why though, do i crave the constant adrenalin rush that this physical pain induces. it's pure pleasure for me. as close as i'll ever get at the moment to being happy...

how can a person admit this to everyone they know? pure madness? or is it just an unreasonable cry for help that no one ever listens too..

for the victim of this addiction. It could be both.

I know for me it's a mixture of the two because as much as i hate hurting myself with physical pain. i love it. Is there something wrong with me? or is there nothing wrong at all? can i ever be happy about me? or am i ment to be this way?

random i know, but how do i express this differently?